SHAD’S PERSONAL BLOG

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Image description in this transcript: gender pronouns are they/them/their. This image has been sharply trimmed for the purposes of this website. Shad Eight Black is simultaneously Black and Non-Binary as a person of color. Their facial features are androgynous. They stare at you with a dull expression on their face like they don’t want to see you. They have black frames in their rectangle-like glasses and look through them. This photo, which you are looking at, was taken in March 2016 at the Saint Louis bus stop in Missouri. They were 24 years old when the image of the selfie was taken on their own mobile phone. They have small Afro hair covered on top of the head. They also wear a gray sweatshirt with the hood pulled down and a fading black leather jacket with the zipper partially open. They are placed on a natural background of white cloudy sky and a few scattered trees, visible through the glass wall of the bus stop shelter.

What’s this about?

They go by the stage name: Shad Eight Black. They always want to be a screenwriter, content creator, TV showrunner, and filmmaker as a career of Hollywood dreams and aspirations that may never happen again in the future due to multiple personal conflicts with enemies and toxic people. They were formerly a Conservative Christian from 2006 to 2015 (Ephraim Baptist Church for the Deaf). Now, he’s exploring his spiritual beliefs, possibly a Wiccan or an atheist.

WARNING NOTES: Please don’t even think about misgendering me as “He, Him, or His.” Unless you’re willfully disrespectful, then that’s harassment and verbal abuse. Feel free to leave.

He/Him will NOT be an acceptable pronoun in defining my gender identity; that’s a no-no!

  1. I don’t feel strongly comfortable with “the strict boundaries of cisgender pronouns,” although I was assigned as a male at birth. My genitals don’t necessarily define me as a cis man. My personal identities are Non-Binary, Gender-Fluid, and, sometimes, Demi-Gender. I refuse to accept being verbally referred to in “he, him, his” as to “man,” “guy,” “boy,” “dude,” or “jackass.” I don’t let strangers or anyone I know make decisions for me. I don’t even let them define my gender pronouns without my permission.
  2. I initially came out as the strict boundaries of cisgender pronouns to my family and classmates in high school in Fall 2010 (during my senior year). I’ve often been misunderstood by so many people in my life. They mistook me for being a cis male because of societal expectations, peer pressure, religious belief systems, and standards. I don’t fit very well in with social norms and standards of heterosexual ideology and religious beliefs.
  3. I never consider myself a “manly man” or many other labels to define as a “man.” It’s NOT because of the genitals that I was born with. No matter how I acted, posed, or expressed my behavior as a “man” in your vocabulary! I don’t need people to teach me what makes a “real man” is. I don’t believe in the “you’re not the real man” concept. It’s TOXIC as fuck! You don’t get to say “you’re not a real man” or “acting like a real man, act like it!” “Why can’t you be a real man? Grow up!” I simply disagreed. Just because I’m sexually attracted to cis men doesn’t make me a manly man.
  4. You don’t get to decide what’s a man and what’s not. It’s my personal business, nothing else! You’re not in control of my gender identity because you shouldn’t make it about you. Why should it be about you, anyway? What do you care? It’s NOT my problem if you’re uncomfortable. I don’t seek approvals or acceptance from you. I know you don’t!
  5. Some uneducated people misplaced the term for me because they have the advantage of doing it and easily moving on without feeling offended; they are capable of going back to their busy lives after the incident. Because this is my daily existence of gender identity, I don’t enjoy advantages in the same way that others do, and this is why. It is NOT necessarily comfortable for me to use offensive words to amuse myself. If I don’t like it, I’ll tell you bluntly how I feel. This is part of who I am because I don’t consider myself a binary person. Some people are misled by thinking that the false pronoun is OK and acceptable without checking the facts first, or without asking my permission. They still have NO idea that the non-binary people who are the subject of hatred and ignorance of gender pronouns are not necessarily of the same viewpoint. We want to be understood and respected by the likes of you more often. Please don’t talk to us in such a way! This would result in a countless number of theatrical eye-rolls and tons of teeth-biting tones directed at you for being disrespectful. Seriously, I kid you not.

HOW DO I DRESS DAILY?

I had to stay in men’s clothing as a result of transphobic society and peer pressure. Sometimes, I felt like such a hypocritical person because I didn’t stand up enough for myself and others. I wish I had enough confidence many years ago. Whoever did or had stood up for themselves that they fought for their rights, I adore you for staying true to yourself. I do envy your courage. You’re braver and bolder than me. You should consider yourself lucky because you’re you! Yes, men can wear skirts! Skirts don’t have any gender! Skirts don’t make anyone gay or straight. It’s just a skirt!

MORE ON GENDER & SEXUALITY:

  1. When I say I’m sexually OR romantically attracted to cis men, I mean, I can date them, but I won’t lie to you. I enjoy exploring the ideas of dating trans women or trans men or something in between. I don’t normally find cis women attractive in a physical sense, but if you want to know my secrets. Okay, I’ll tell you because I’m an open book. Two cis women on the internet are very physically attractive: Lily Carter and Skin Diamond. Yeah, I know it sounds ironic because you think I’m a closeted sexist or fetishist from a negative perspective. I’m NOT physically attracted to cis women, but emotionally, yes. I’m EMOTIONALLY attracted to their intelligence and ways of thinking. Their independent, feminist thoughts. I don’t have problems with feminists.
  2. It’s just that sometimes I hate how they viewed me in a negative light. They automatically see me as a cis man when we first met, period. They don’t care if I’m a Non-Binary. They’ll always see me as a default of misogyny no matter what. I’ve often told women that I support abortion rights and equal pay wages, but when it comes to creative differences in professional collaborations and belief systems in positions of power or employment. It’s always a personal conflict, that’s so hard.
  3. There was only one cis man in Rochester, New York. As I’ve always been in love with him since February 2012. Sometimes, I fantasized about being his wife or “trans woman,” but I decided not to change my sex just because of him.
  4. Most transgender people don’t need to change their gender identities for someone they think they’re in love with. They just want to be honest with themselves, right? It’s NO reason for trans people to change their genitals in order to please their lovers/partners, or seeking approvals from them.
  5. So, therefore I have to be VERY careful with how I want to use my gender identity. I don’t want to use my gender for having a relationship with a man. I don’t want people to think and say, “Oh, you want to be a woman because you could go passes as a woman to sleep around with straight men.” “You’re going to steal my husband from me.” “You want to go into bathrooms with real women because you wanted to be my sister. So you can braid my hair, giggling and gossiping about your man-crush or Prince Charming.” I was afraid of consistent stigmas and targets putting on my back. That’s okay. I like being me anyway.

DO I BELIEVE IN LOVE?

I realized I shouldn’t be obsessed with finding “Mr. Right” or “love at first sight” because it’s hard to find these days. I realized that love is not something I can afford to find. Love is NOT cheap, but a very complicated thing to be explored. So I learned the hard way. I learned a painful lesson. I had to turn off my romantic feelings in general settings, even when I still do have feelings that doesn’t go away quietly. My feelings are very noisy and stubborn, but I still suffered from painful experiences of rejections. I decided I should be “demi-romantic” to protect my heart from over-the-top bullshit. Just protect yourself from a heartbreak, you know? Just. Don’t. Get. Your. False. Hope. Up. You’ll be disappointed one way or another.

MY SHADY PAST:

  1. Before you started reading my posts on this blog. I always got shunned and avoided by many feminists because they heard many stories about me in my past. They automatically became afraid or felt threatened by my presence when they started working alongside me in the same place due to past traumas that they might have. Whoever is traumatized will never trust a cis man again.
  2. It’s NOT their fault if they actually suffer from personal traumas at the hands of men. They can’t help but are struggling to put their “trust” in men.
  3. I can’t control how or why they see me that way. I found that very heartbreaking and sad ’cause some feminists don’t want to work with me, even if I constantly RESPECT them and treat them well. Sometimes, RESPECT is not good enough for them.
  4. I do have my flaws and errors, but that doesn’t always make me a misogynist. I believe I can evolve and change for the better. No matter how many times I apologized, they always scolded me every time they are around me.
  5. Women kept forgetting that I was also born in the world of male dominance and heterosexism. I was also shaped and influenced by the broken system by the time I was born in it. I don’t have the luxury of power or privilege to fix the broken system because I look like a “cis man.” This misogynistic system hurts everybody long before I was born.
  6. I grew up fatherless, too. I mean, If I have my father around me, I would have been taught to respect women better, but I didn’t. I failed those women as an adult, just like my real father failed me.
  7. I’m not asking women to feel sorry for me since I kept failing them. I don’t want your pity or sympathy. I want your respect for me that I owned it up and taking a full responsibility of my actions. I want you to respect me for the flaws and errors that I acknowledge. I want you to respect me for holding myself responsible and accountable. I NEVER claim to take benefits from the white male patriarchy system, even if I wronged you.
  8. It is NOT because of the genitals I was born with. I don’t have any power to dismantle or topple those white men who historically created the laws in high positions. So, I can’t be benefitted from “white male privilege” if I committed the same crime that white men did.

Read my personal blogs here, but some posts I wrote are warning triggers! Read at your own peril!

Shad’s PERSONAL BLOG

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