6 Months at National technical for the deaf (PART 10)

6 Months at National Technical For the Deaf (PART 10)

Wow! I can’t believe that it’s already been 10 years in 2021! I’m still OBSESSED with every moment of my college experience from Fall 2011 to Winter 2012. Yeah! I’m consciously overthinking how much I reflect too much on good and bad memories. But what you’re reading here is probably TOXIC, UNHEALTHY, or REPETITIVE. I was only 19 years old in my naivety of real-world problems on my own after completing my high school diploma.

🤔🤷🏿‍♂️

A screenshot photo of the National Technical for the Deaf. The first six words appeared in the front of building: From September 2011 to March 2012. Photo Credit: NTID/RIT.

FROM SEPTEMBER 2011 To March 2012

  1. Demetrius Curtis
  2. Zachary Brain Seguin
  3. Missouri
  4. November 11, 2011
  5. David Cardona
  6. Emily Borgel

DAVID CARDONA IS AN OBJECT OF MY AFFECTION

MORE DETAILS IN FEBRUARY 2012

David SLOWLY realized that he always saw my face in the Wallace Center library. He became increasingly annoyed by my presence and couldn’t even begin to understand why I won’t stop visiting him as if I was a substance abuser. In fact, David Cardona accidentally became my personal manifestation of my drug dependency as a powerful source of yearning, covetousness, hunger, and desire, and I selfishly profited from his emotional availability. I made a grave error in stalking and following him to the RIT/NTID campus. I’ve become exceedingly unbearable and incapable of being healthy towards him. My obsession with him has become so much more toxic than I thought. 

David PROACTIVELY urged me to focus on my school work instead of VISITING him daily, but I refused to listen to his advice.

It was always my fault, and David’s had NOTHING to do with it. Because I was so naively ignorant at the age of 19, when I was addressing my raw emotions associated with being in love with someone who NEVER loved me back, I was NEVER aware that there were warning indications of my erratic conduct. My feelings were entirely out of my control, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. In February 2012, I had NEVER been in such a state of romantic anxiety. Because of my traumatic child-abuse experiences as a small child, I concluded that I had abandonment issues where my family disowned me. It was NEVER David’s fault that he couldn’t rid himself of me as soon as he would’ve liked. Getting rid of him is proving to be a challenge for me as well. We NEVER got around to discussing that aspect of it. He could only make excuses and avoided me.

It’s been 10 years since we’ve LASTlY talked, and I still miss him like hell! 

As of today, we are NO longer friends in 2021, and we aren’t even able to follow each other on social media accounts because David Cardona is TOTALLY off-the-grid. It’s like NO one knows if he’s alive or not! Or, you know, make me think that guy I met long ago is DEAD now, probably killed by COVID-19. I don’t know. He’s perhaps been ghosting me for a long time. David Cardona has NEVER loved me. He knows how much I’ve loved him for a decade. There is still time to reignite our old spark between us. Sad to say, it’s unlikely to happen now because I already informed him in March 2015 about my participation in mental health therapy after returning to Saint Louis, Missouri.

The worst part is that David said, “I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering from the diagnosis that your doctor told you about.” That was it. That was the last time we spoke on Facebook, then he BLOCKED me. He suddenly stopped communicating with me! 

What he did to me was really shitty and uncool! 

I don’t think I should deserve it! I was beyond the repair of heartbreak and deeply hurt because I mistakenly believed that David cared about me as a “friend,” but he NEVER did. I realized I was just a fool in love with NOBODY who didn’t love me back. He’s been constantly avoiding and keeping himself out of contact with me. I’m like, “David, c’mon! You and I are both Leos! What makes you think we can’t be friends?”

WELL, YEAH. I just realized that David turned me into a tortured artist/writer:

My mind kept going back to the alluring images of David Cardona that had been floating around in there for the last ten years whenever I thought about him. You see, I’m a failing screenwriter, and I’ve already written about three teenagers for an unaired TV play that I’ve worked on since May 2011. The play is written in screenplay style but is still in the early stages of development. I had finished writing the first season, but Writer’s Block Syndrome has kept me from writing the second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth seasons.

So, yeah, the struggle of being a writer is real.

My TV script: "David & Diana: Evil White Boyfriend"

My TV script: “David & Diana: Evil White Boyfriend.”

I wanted to thank David Cardona for his significant contribution to the writing of my television screenplay for “David & Diana: Evil White Boyfriend.” Romeo, David, and Dorothea (later replaced by Diana) are the three main characters in my writing. In May 2011, I began writing from the point of view of a Latino male character called David Daniels since I had already given him a name before I met David Cardona in September 2011. I pondered changing the character’s name since the frequent images of David Cardona were too much for me in attempting to finish my work years ago.

Yeah, he was all over my head! LOL!

After dropping out of RIT/NTID, I kept the character’s name as it became a source of inspiration for me. I wouldn’t be able to write that character if it wasn’t for David Cardona. Without him as my heroine or protagonist, I wouldn’t know where to start writing, but if anyone is going to be my MUSE, it should be David because filmmakers and tortured artists almost always have a MUSE! Maybe you would benefit from a live model guiding you in your writing, painting, or Hollywood projects!

Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Jason Merritt/Getty Images

I recalled something that only made sense in my head: Jennifer Lawrence featured in three films directed by David O. Russell, ostensibly because she was the only source of inspiration he ever had.

David Bowie in The Sandman

Neil Gaiman claims he’s a fan of David Bowie’s performances as a musician because the drawing of Lucifer Morningstar in The Sandman (Vertigo comic book series) was inspired by David Bowie’s androgynous hair, attire, and appearance. Cinamon Hadley influenced Neil’s work as well, modeling for Death.

Many authors, troubled artists, and celebrities do it all the time! So I know I’m NOT the only one who feels guilty for using real-life people as an inspiration for media art. Don’t be furious at me. DAVID IS MY FUCKIN’ MUSE without a doubt in question! Thank you, David Cardona, for being my muse! I’ll always have you in my heart. 

CRYING ENDLESSLY

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